Before time began, there was the cube

Today, on our respective days off, my sister went to the free New Pornographers/Midlake show in Brooklyn, and here in Florida, I watched Michael Bay's Transformers. Where's the justice?

Anyway, just so you know, I was never a fan of the cartoon when I was younger, I was more of a He-Man kid. In fact, trivia fans, 1987's 'Masters of the Universe' was the first film I ever saw in cinemas. If you believe my mum, when I saw live action Skeletor, I cried so loudly that I had to be taken outside.

Anyway, the point of that semi-embarrassing is, my only attachment to Transformers is the knowledge that Optimus Prime is Jewish. My friends seem to be really split down the middle about it, from a couple that loved it, to "That movie was so bad I peed blood afterwards." I wish I could feel as strongly about it as those folks - but here's the thing: I enjoyed watching it, only because making fun of it was so easy. I can't tell yet if that's praise or not. It's really melodramatic, noisy, silly, and long. The dialogue is terrible, everything is pompous and loud, and the plot doesn't hold together one bit. I mean, the action sequences are cool enough, I guess, but as I've said before, cool visuals no longer a movie make.

And yet, and yet... Shia LaBeouf is very watchable, everything is just so ludicrous, and, like I said, the dialogue is so bad, that it's a fun watch. It's one of those that you like being annoying and pointing out all the plot holes and bizarreness in. I took a sick pleasure in asking why the cube was called Allspice, and why eBay is such a prominent character, or why there's an ostrich at a car dealership, or why the role of supernerd is played by someone really pretty with an Australian accent, or what the fuck is Barton Fink is doing here, or why Optimus Prime wants the Cube thing put into his chest anyway.

So... this probably isn't a recommendation of 'Transformers'. But I sure didn't hate it. Perhaps the best I can say for it is: It's not nearly as shitty as some of this summer's shittiest blockbusters.


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